Fortnight

As the title would indicate, two weeks have gone by since my first appointment with Dr. Kenning about depression.  I have also met with my counselor, Michael twice.  The new meds are starting to work but I have realized that my depression was so deep that my anxiety was unnoticeable.  I didn't have any energy to be nervous.  Unfortunately, I am regaining a bit of energy which is now being used to worry about everything and nothing.  I had forgotten how normal that level of anxiety had been for me.  I had a phone appointment with Dr. Kenning yesterday and he wants me to stay at my current levels for another two weeks to give it enough time to go into full effect.

It's strange to know what is rationally going on in my mind but still have the same irrational worries.  I don't even really worry about specific things.  It's just a constant general anxiety.  I can't really remember a time when I wasn't worried.  Even when I was little, I was always worried.  I could distract myself and push it to the back of my mind but it stuck with me.  I'm not sure if I even know how to live a life without depression and anxiety.  I'm willing to try though.

Back

I haven't written in a while.  That's for a lot of reasons but not the reasons I've told most people.  While I do love my job, that takes up 40 hours of my week plus another 10 for commute.  Most of my life lately has been stolen by depression.  I have been so tired that I go to bed as soon as I take Bug out for a walk.  It is now worse than I have ever experienced.

Last Thursday, I finally went to the doctor to try to get my life back.  It's ironic that while working for an agency that deals primarily with mental health, I don't look at the exact same things in my own life.  I have a counseling appointment on Thursday.  I found a counselor that does evening appointments so I don't need to flex my hours just to be human.  I have also started back on Wellbutrin.  I forgot my dose yesterday so I took 2 this morning.  My body isn't used to it so I'm feeling like I had too much caffeine or something.

I have put on about 30 pounds in the last six months.  The clothes I bought for when I first got this job don't fit well any more.  I haven't gone to the gym in months.  Part of it is needing to go home to take care of Bug before I can do anything after work....actually, no, it's not.  That's one of many excuses I have been making for not doing anything.  My life is all about surviving right now.  I do what I have to.  I go to work.  I spend time with Bug.  I sleep.  That is my life.  I hate it.  I'm glad I have decided to do something about it but I'm frankly pissed off at myself that I took so long to do that.  I have probably given the last 6 months away.  I am at an age where I should be making great stories.  Instead, I lay in bed, only going outside to let Bug pee.

Work has actually been going really well in terms of my own performance.  I think that's part of why I was in denial.  I don't have any energy because all of it is going to my clients.  I was told that I am "amazing" and "talented" on the same day by separate people.  All of the people that I work with: other people in SE, mental health case managers, clients; have given positive feedback about my work.  I think it's funny that now I'm sick enough to qualify for my own services.  People trust me to do my best.  I like that feeling.  I just wish it wasn't the only feeling I have to like.