Tangible Proof

I can feel myself pulling out of the depression and anxiety.  Last night, I went on an hour long walk with Bug. Having the energy to even think about doing that is pretty big.  I also interviewed a new roommate on Monday.  She seems awesome and Bug took to her right away which is a good sign.  I have counseling tonight.  The combination of the meds and the counseling seems to be doing the trick.  I still have a long way to go but seeing the tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel is so refreshing.  The anti-anxiety med for flare-ups is not really working for me.  It knocks me out for about 18 hours.  I took one after the Fremont Fair.  Being around so many people for so long had me on edge.  I was still tired the next day.  Thank goodness that was a Sunday so it was OK to be drowsy but I still lost that day.

I am moving forward and pushing myself to do more than just work and sleep.  I have been reading while sitting in the grass with Bug in the evenings.  I am reading the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.  It's interesting but not the best book I've ever read.  Anyway, the point is....progress!

Fortnight

As the title would indicate, two weeks have gone by since my first appointment with Dr. Kenning about depression.  I have also met with my counselor, Michael twice.  The new meds are starting to work but I have realized that my depression was so deep that my anxiety was unnoticeable.  I didn't have any energy to be nervous.  Unfortunately, I am regaining a bit of energy which is now being used to worry about everything and nothing.  I had forgotten how normal that level of anxiety had been for me.  I had a phone appointment with Dr. Kenning yesterday and he wants me to stay at my current levels for another two weeks to give it enough time to go into full effect.

It's strange to know what is rationally going on in my mind but still have the same irrational worries.  I don't even really worry about specific things.  It's just a constant general anxiety.  I can't really remember a time when I wasn't worried.  Even when I was little, I was always worried.  I could distract myself and push it to the back of my mind but it stuck with me.  I'm not sure if I even know how to live a life without depression and anxiety.  I'm willing to try though.

Back

I haven't written in a while.  That's for a lot of reasons but not the reasons I've told most people.  While I do love my job, that takes up 40 hours of my week plus another 10 for commute.  Most of my life lately has been stolen by depression.  I have been so tired that I go to bed as soon as I take Bug out for a walk.  It is now worse than I have ever experienced.

Last Thursday, I finally went to the doctor to try to get my life back.  It's ironic that while working for an agency that deals primarily with mental health, I don't look at the exact same things in my own life.  I have a counseling appointment on Thursday.  I found a counselor that does evening appointments so I don't need to flex my hours just to be human.  I have also started back on Wellbutrin.  I forgot my dose yesterday so I took 2 this morning.  My body isn't used to it so I'm feeling like I had too much caffeine or something.

I have put on about 30 pounds in the last six months.  The clothes I bought for when I first got this job don't fit well any more.  I haven't gone to the gym in months.  Part of it is needing to go home to take care of Bug before I can do anything after work....actually, no, it's not.  That's one of many excuses I have been making for not doing anything.  My life is all about surviving right now.  I do what I have to.  I go to work.  I spend time with Bug.  I sleep.  That is my life.  I hate it.  I'm glad I have decided to do something about it but I'm frankly pissed off at myself that I took so long to do that.  I have probably given the last 6 months away.  I am at an age where I should be making great stories.  Instead, I lay in bed, only going outside to let Bug pee.

Work has actually been going really well in terms of my own performance.  I think that's part of why I was in denial.  I don't have any energy because all of it is going to my clients.  I was told that I am "amazing" and "talented" on the same day by separate people.  All of the people that I work with: other people in SE, mental health case managers, clients; have given positive feedback about my work.  I think it's funny that now I'm sick enough to qualify for my own services.  People trust me to do my best.  I like that feeling.  I just wish it wasn't the only feeling I have to like.

If Anyone Asks About Me, Don't Tell 'Em Nothing

This has certainly been an interesting night. I was sitting on the couch, with the Bugadog, watching How I Met Your Mother. I hear a knock at the window. This morning, Justin had gone out on a walk and forgotten his keys and had to knock on the window for me to let him in. I had assumed that this was him making the same mistake twice. I was wrong. I looked out to the patio and didn't see anything. Then I look out to the grass and see a girl (later I was to learn that her name is Kristy and she is in fact 19). She was out of breath and looked really spooked. She asked if she could come in and use my phone because someone was chasing her. I didn't give it a second thought. I invited her in and handed her my cell phone. She made a few calls and cursed the recipients for not picking up. Eventually, she was able to reach her mother. Kristy took the phone to the bathroom to talk to her mom. Now, let me tell you a few things that I learned about Kristy. She is a young looking, casually dressed African American female. She was well spoken but as soon as she got on the phone, she dropped into slang and calling everyone "bro". Her voice also projects very clearly and the apartment is not large enough for a voice like that to dissipate. Back to Kristy in the bathroom, I distinctly heard "Mom, are you high or something?". The events that eventually came to light as follows. Kristy was with friends at the mall when they went to Hollister. She tried on some jeans and apparently the manager had assumed that she had removed the tag or some such thing. Upon accusing her of shoplifting, the manager called the mall rent-a-cops. Rather than stand by and explain to security that she had done nothing wrong, Kristy ran. She blew through California Pizza Kitchen, past Super Buffet and Target, and somehow ended up knocking on my window. She tried to reach several friends and asked one of them to come pick her up. As she was on her way out, she said "look, you been real nice to me. If anyone asks about this, don't tell them nothing. I don't want you to have to answer a bunch of questions about this." She left to wait for them and I thought it would be an amusing anecdote. Then, she showed up again. Her friends had not taken her seriously or had no idea where they were going or some such thing. Anyway, she had several long conversations with her friends (she had calmed down and was back to what I can only assume is her usual self). After talking on my phone for a cumulative 25 minutes, she looks at me and says "you got free minutes right?" I assured her that it was alright but really wishing she had thought to ask that question before. We chatted between phone calls and she seems like she could be nice if she fought the urge to "punch that bitch out". All told, she came into the apartment 4 times and made 26 phone calls. It was bizarre but as it has been half an hour since she left, I assume she was able to find her friends. I just had to share this odd occurrence in my life this evening. Tomorrow, I have the day off for a doctor's appointment and the rest of the day will be spent doing some chores and possibly taking Bug to a dog park.

Requiem for a Weekend

I'm getting sick. This is not cool. Having a three day training this week was really quite nice but now I have a thre day weekend and I have a feeling it will be spent drinking a crap ton of tea and running through a box of tissues. It's not like I had significant plans but I would still like options. Also, there might be snow. This means buses may be shut down and I could be stranded. At least Bug is going to get a lot of snuggle time. I was able to get home early almost every day this week because of the training being 20 minutes away from my house. She has been very happy to go outside while there was some sun left. I have been taking her to Petco and the mall to get more used to strangers. It's wonderful to see her get more social and confident. We still have a long way to go but she is such a success story for rehabilitating strays. I doubt she was straight up feral but she has not had an easy life. She still cowers and doesn't know how to play but at least she wants to play. She will go into a play bow and run around me. If I try to play with her, she will drop and submit. This is a lot of progress when you consider where she started. She will fetch sometime in the next few months. When I throw a toy, she will chase after it and sniff at it but she doesn't pick them up. It will be a triumphant day when she picks it up.

Panic at the Disco!

There has been an uptick in crime around my work.  I can handle the muggings.  I know how to handle myself in a confident manner that makes me an unlikely target for that kind of crime.  Last night it went to a whole new level.  There was a murder across the street from ACRS.  It happened right before I left with a group of work friends.  We saw the ambulance and the paramedics were working on a person.  There were nine police cars, a fire truck and an unmarked police vehicle.  They were putting up the crime scene tape as we walked past.  It turns out the person they were working on, a black man wearing tan pants with no shirt because the EMT's cut it off, was already dead.  I didn't know that when I saw it. He wasn't tubed and they weren't performing compressions so I assumed he was OK and the real victim was elsewhere.  His arm fell to the side as they loaded him into the ambulance.  There was also a fire in downtown Seattle.  That fire made them shut off the power in the transit tunnel so we couldn't take the train to my normal stop.  The tunnel was so empty.  It was eerie.  I was really shaken last night.  It threw me off in a big way.  I'm so glad that I have a training for the next 2 days so I don't have to go back right away.

Pitter Patter of Little Feet

Bug had blood in her poo on the night of Thanksgiving.  Oddly enough, I am thankful for that.  It was dark so I thought it was just runny until we came inside and I saw the red dripping down her bum.  I was freaking out.  My first action was to get her in the tub so the blood didn't get anywhere.  The next thing was to call my mom.  It was a holiday so I couldn't go to the vet's office.  She talked me through and got me calmed down enough to get to work on taking care of my Bugadog.  Bug was also quite chilled so I was afraid it could be some sort of hemorrhage and she was going into shock.

I ran a hot bath for her to clean her up and bring up her body temperature.  As I was bathing and petting my dog, I realized how lucky I was to have something that I cared about so deeply.  I was crying and thinking over again "please, don't die".  I know that was probably a bit extreme but seeing blood dripping from someone you care about pushes you toward the extreme side of things.  Bug got all bundled up in a towel while I went to work researching treatment protocols and possible causes.  She was treated to white rice and boiled chicken for the whole weekend.

Bug is just fine now and glad to be pooing poo.  Owning a dog is expensive and time consuming.  I have to schedule around coming home to let her out.  There's lots of stuff that I would like to do that I can't because I have a dog.  The thing is, none of that stuff really matters.  I love having Bug in my life.  I know she likes having me as her mom.  My day is better because I have that adorable face looking up at me and a little warm presence at my thigh while I sit in bed and write this.  When Bug sprints down the hallway and then back to me and down the hallway again, the little pitter patter of her squirrel feet makes me giggle.  Having a dog is a huge commitment.  I'm saying that I will accept the additional burden for the next decade.  I can't wait for every minute of it.

The Perks of An Incompetent Predecessor

I have been in my job for about 4 months now and am currently attending a training on employment services for people with disabilities.  It will be really applicable information and I know it will make me better at my job.  One of the biggest frustrations when I started my job was that my predecessor was either incredibly negligent or completely apathetic about the well-being of her clients.  Either way, she left a rather large mess for me to clean up when I started.  Now that I am settling into my own groove (including 2 placements this quarter), people are seeing how good I am at this job.  I know that I would look good no matter what but the fact that she was so awful just makes me look that much better.  The father of one of her former clients expressed his profound gratitude for my help.  He said it was such a relief for him to have follow up phone calls and to know that his son's needs are being tended to.  I can only imagine how difficult life is for the parent of a child with a severe, persistent disability is without having someone who is supposed to help that never follows through.  The behavioral health department has been so wonderful in embracing Tory and me.  I feel so welcome in that department and now they know that their clients will get competent, dedicated service when they are referred to us.  There are also DVR counselors that are spreading the word about our agency.  It's great to be recognized for something that my team does well.  It's also great to be part of a team that has the passion and capability to do a job that most people can't do.

Good Day All Around

Today was a very good day.  Nothing particularly wonderful happened but a lot of small good things happened.  I got to work early.   I was able to do a lot of job search for my clients.  One of my clients has an interview on Wednesday that I am very hopeful about.  Stephanie and I will be teaching job club tomorrow and I think we have a lot of great content that will allow us to keep our students engaged.  Justin will be home a lot more this week so Bug won't be alone nearly as much.  This makes me feel far less guilty about going to work. Also, I have been asked to contribute a dessert for our United Way kickoff dessert auction.  I feel quite honored by this.  Last year, one of the desserts was sold for $1000!  I hope mine gets that much!

Life with Bug

I realize that a lot of things have been happening in my life and it would be great to have a chronicle of them.  I got Buffy who has been renamed Bug.  She is darling!  She wants to be with people all of the time but she's slowly learning that I am going to come back each day.  Her personality is also blossoming.  It adds some stress and work but having a dog is so worth it.

Vampire Slayer?

On Saturday, I went to the Seattle Humane Society.  I know that I can't afford a dog just this second but I wanted to know what the process was (and get some snuggle time in).  I have been cruising the local animal shelter websites to see what's available.  Some time last week, this scruffy blonde pup appeared on this website.  I was pretty much set on getting a chihuahua because they are one of the most commonly surrendered breeds.  They aren't bad dogs but people seem to forget that they are dogs, not fashion accessories so once that playful nip turns into an all out snarl, the uninitiated dog owner has nowhere to turn.

Well, I saw Buffy on the website and read her description.  She just wants a warm lap to sit on and she will be happy.  I thought, I could use a dog like that.  I want to take her to work with me so super high energy dog is out.  As is a yippy dog because I don't want to get complaints from my neighbors.  This little girl is shy (and a bit older) so she doesn't have much kennel appeal.  She was asleep when I went to visit her kennel.  I filled out the paperwork and met with an adoption adviser so I could finally get some one on one time with this darling dust mop.  Like I said, she was sleeping... HARD!  You'd have to be to fall asleep in a noisy kennel full of irritated strays.  When the volunteer got the lead around her neck, she looked very confused.  She was kind of staggering around, trying to get her bearings and sneezing any time she gave a good sniff.  Once we got to the "getting to know you" area, she looked around and then went up to my leg and sniffed (and sneezed).  I sat down and she immediately put her paws on my thigh, asking for permission to come up.  I didn't have any food or toy.  All she wanted was some cuddles.  She was temporarily distracted when the volunteer brought by some treats but looked up at me before going after them in a combination of "I'll be right back. Just have to get some noms." and "Is it alright if I go?"  This was after about 2 minutes of contact.

Every time the volunteer came back to check on us, Buffy would just kind of look up and get back to snuggling and the volunteer would make girly "aww" sounds because the scene was so darling.  I even did the diaper grip and Buffy knew what was going on.  She buried her little nose into the crook of my elbow.  I wanted to take her home so badly.  When it was time to part company, she was already attached to me (not like it was that hard to do) and was trying to follow me instead of the volunteer back into the kennel.  She has these sad, brown eyes that want so much to have a forever home.  I selfishly hope that no one else wants to meet her between now and the end of the month so I can be that home.

The World Stood Still

Ten years ago today, I was sitting in Mr. Herbert's social studies class when another teacher wheeled in a TV to show us the breaking news.  I remember for the first few hours not thinking it was that big of a deal.  The day continued somewhat regularly and I had no idea how the world would change.  I didn't know that the towers had collapsed until after I got home from school.  My mom was sitting in front of the TV.  Somehow it got real when it was on the big screen and Mom looked worried.

The next day was when the impact of this tragedy started to sink in.  I remember my optimistic nature was already showing because for a long time I argued in class for it being a mistake.  I thought no one would ever do that on purpose.  The planes just had a navigational error or something so it was a big mistake.  I think September 11th made me want to go into International Relations.  If people could talk and have their communication be effective, then we would never have to resort to violence.  We didn't have class for a week. We just had discussion.  A lot of people were scared.  Many cried.  No one knew the long impact that this would have.

Ten years later, I have a much deeper concept of the world.  I am an independent adult but my life and my generation will always be defined by that haunting image of the second plane careening into the tower with a plume of black smoke coming from the first.  So many people in their 20's and 30's already had the chance to become a fully formed adult when the attacks happened.  Others were too young to really know what was going on.  People my age were old enough to understand what was going on and young enough to have those event tattooed on them forever.  I am a child of 9/11.

One Year Later

As much as I believe that Facebook is taking over the world (myself included), it has provided me with a wonderful gift lately.  There have been "On This Day in 2010" runners.  September 8, 2010 found me excited to practice Chinese with native speakers so often.  I can't believe that it was one year ago that I was getting my SeaLegs and starting my AmeriCorps term.  I was planning on applying for the Peace Corps after my term was over.  I didn't know if would be able to attend Louise and Chris's wedding because I didn't know where I would be during October 2011.

In a single year, I have gone from a scared college grad who had no clue what to do with her future, let alone how to achieve those aims, to a full-time case manager working on a team and doing a job that makes each day a fabulous challenge.  I have health insurance, a solid living situation and complete financial independence.  What a difference a year can make!

Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good idea: Getting two placements in one week.
Bad idea: Not having the paperwork on either of those clients to even begin job search, let alone get a job.

Good idea: Setting up a time for both of these people, who will be starting at restaurants, to get the food handler permits that are required by Washington state law.
Bad idea: Having one of those clients not show up, not call, and resent the implication that she was some how expected to follow through on these responsibilities for the job that she has been looking to get for the past year.

Good idea:  An Americorps volunteer that is intelligent, hard-working and just as weird as the rest of the team.
Bad idea:  Said volunteer having some problems prioritizing so she is doing lesson plan for some time far in the future while stubborn client is randomly clicking buttons rather than actually learning and retaining any of the information about food handling because she does not understand English.

Good idea: Meeting with father of a severely autistic client to pass on paperwork so that he can enroll in Medicare.
Bad idea: Having that meeting precisely align with the time that other placement is having her first day of work on the other side of the city.

Good idea: Being dedicated to client outcomes and general success of their recoveries.
Bad idea: Staying at work until 6:30 on the Friday before a holiday weekend to try to ensure that only to have the client fail the test anyway.

Life Lessons from Rugby

Due to some recent developments, I have come to realize some things about the way that I live my life.  A lot of these lessons I learned from playing rugby.  When I first started playing, I had no idea what I was doing but I was really excited about doing it.  Most girls come in never having played a contact sport before.  They are afraid to get hurt.  The ironic thing is that when you go in half-hearted and fearing pain, you get hurt even worse.  It's when you run into contact at pace and diving in with all your might that you end up with a lot fewer bruises and way more tries.  You have to adapt to things as they change.  The game plan you had before the whistle blew might not work for you but you have to stick with the play once it's been called and give it a chance to work.  All of this goes to the fact that I'm really happy where I am and how things have worked out.  I think that being open to the universe guiding you along puts you where you need to be with the people you should have around you doing the things that you are meant to do.


So far, nothing has gone the way that I planned.  In high school, I thought I might go to U of M or some other prestigious school and then on to law school.  Then, I set foot on Grand Valley's campus and knew that it was the right choice for me.  I spent all of those years learning Spanish only to find that Chinese language and culture presented a far more intriguing challenge.  I was absolutely certain that I was going to do NCCC and then go on to Peace Corps.  As it turned out, I was going to be stuck idling at my parents' house for way too long for NCCC to work out so instead I did State/National Americorps.  Because I wanted to do Peace Corps, I took a leap of faith to Seattle.  Those plans that I had before didn't work out but they are what got me to the next step.  I now have a job that is so immensely satisfying and that I am well on my way to becoming great at.

All of my life, people have told me that I would do great things and succeed at whatever I tried my hand at.  Deep down, I never really believed it because I knew it's not just about how well you do something but also who you know and the social aspects of things.  Now, I'm realizing that most people are fine with mediocrity. They can accept doing the bare minimum.  I am so glad that my parents raised me to never accept good enough if I can do better.  That work ethic, along with intelligence, is what is getting me noticed.  I am starting to build really great connections with people because of my reputation for excellence.  I know it sounds cocky but there is a reason why I'm the only Americorps member who was able to get a full-time position at ACRS immediately following my term.  Part of it is timing but I am going to take at least a bit of credit for my own success.

Part of that success is from diving in.  I've always been scared but the universe had proved to me without doubt that if I go into something with all my heart, it works out well.  It makes me sad that others can't live that way because there are so many things in my life that I would be missing if I had faltered or taken the safer option and kept a way out.  Go into contact and keep your support with you.  Trust your teammates.  Dive for the try line when you are close.  Even if you don't make it, you don't have to wonder after the whistle blows what would have happened.

Wisdom for the Wise

Update from the ACRS Picnic: Ken, Stephanie and I all ended up on the Employment and Citizenship Team.  In addition, I was the team captain.  We won the event that I was in but the Admin team took the sparkle ball of victory.

However, the more important thing in my life is the wisdom tooth related pain that has been prominent for the past few weeks.  It's been coming up for a few months but recently, it has really been cramping my style.  Since I have dental coverage now, I thought I would get it taken care of.  No use living in pain if you don't have to, right?  Well, I made an appointment for Friday afternoon so I could take the weekend to recover.  It turns out that the dentist did not have the supplies she needed to do the procedure.  She wrote me a scrip for pain killers and set up an appointment for this morning.  The procedure isn't even what I thought it would be.  Instead of taking the tooth out which isn't really necessary in my case due to my large mouth (yes, it is fitting), she wanted to remove the gum tissue that is still on top of the tooth that causes the pain every time I bit down.  I figured this would be done old school by cutting away the tissue.  I was wrong!

She initially tried poking at stuff with just a numbing cream on which was not flying for me at all.  I need Novocaine if you are removing live tissue from my mouth.  She used laser cauterization to remove the tissue.  Among other things, this meant that I could smell my own flesh burning while the procedure was done.  I also have a significant portion of my gums burned black.  It's really uncomfortable for the time being.  I have some more pain killers but I don't know if it will get me through the healing process.  I will be using Benadryl to be able to sleep tonight even with the Vicodin.

A Particularly Apt Cartoon

Pariahdactyl

Tomorrow is the ACRS Picnic and Summer Games.  Even though supported employment is half behavioral health and half employment, somehow we get stuck on the E&C team for the games.  Mostly because the people in that department don't really go for things.  Everyone wants to be seen in a certain light and is afraid to be silly.

On the bright side, Ken and my new Michigan buddy, Stephanie, live in a constant state of silliness.  It is fantastic to have a group of people that I can laugh with.  However, being so tight knit as our own separate department has meant that I no longer exist to the other factions in the department.  It's bullshit and I don't need them to like me because supported employment doesn't report to employment but I am likable and care about serving my clients to the best of my ability.  One would think that in a non-profit, that would gain one respect from one's colleagues, which on the whole is true but for some reason that department is really petty.

New Place/ First Day

My bed (I can finally sleep soundly without any door slamming or yelling)

My crazy huge walk-in closet (yes, that is a pirate costume)

My living room through the kitchen

The kitchen through the living room.  I have a bright red table with matching chairs.

My new Bare Minerals face and one piece of my new wardrobe.  Quite nice if I do say so myself.

The new Keens that my parents bought for me as a Happy "you are a grown up with health insurance and a giant closet" present.

Today was the first day at full time.  I got a lot of congratulations and a bamboo from my parents.  It was mostly spent in training so my brain is not working.  I was looking all grown up but my makeup was less than professional.  As a result of that feeling and the fact that it was GORGEOUS out today, I decided to get off the bus early and pop into Ulta to buy BareMinerals makeup.  My mom has been using it for years so I knew it was good.  I tried it out and I look good (as evidenced by the photo above).  I also got new mascara and eyeliner at Target.  I feel so grown up.  I was also on the phone to get my new bank account set up.  I was looking at my benefits options and I am so happy that all of these things are working out all at the same time.  I am going to have more money than I know what to do with after Muang moves in.  I am only making a few grand a month but after surviving on the Americorps stipend, I am so much less limited by finances.

Last Day

Today is my last day of my Americorps term!  I am thrilled to have made it all the way through and really sad to leave my department and students but I am so ecstatic to have no lapse in employment.  I have already started my training plan for SE and my first full day is Monday.  Today is a big Americorps appreciation BBQ.  Also, I still haven't posted pictures of my new place.  I am aware of this.  I will soon.  It's on my weekend to-do list.

Also,  Happy Friday!