13.3.09

I'm Just A Bill. Yes, I'm Only A Bill

Rent: 800 PLN
Water Bill: 45 PLN
Electric Bill: 248 PLN
Visit to the Hospital, Including Chest X-Rays, Blood Work and EKG: 128 PLN
Antibiotics, Expectorant, and OTC Pain Killer: 74.86 PLN
Cab Fares: 46 PLN
Being tossed from clinic to clinic to clinic to hospital to hospital, then being forced to wait for an hour before a kindly doctor finally decides to buck the system and treat me regardless of my insurance working here or not, and then being topless in front of no less than 9 strangers after being asked if you are currently having trouble to expectorate sputum: Fucking priceless

Alright, well, all the hoops I had to jump through for my insurance counting over here was completely pointless. They didn't even look at my insurance card. They just asked if I had Polish insurance. Magda, bless her heart, was getting so pissed off at everyone. When I got rejected from the student clinic, it was because the next appointment wasn't until Friday. Okay, that one is acceptable. Everyone is sick and they must be swamped. Magda was angry because people can't plan when they are going to be sick so they should always have walk-in times but I didn't have the energy to get pissed off about it. They sent me to a clinic that was supposed to be about a block away. Note the use of the phrase "supposed to be." Part of it was because Magda wasn't terribly familiar with the area. We found a clinic but it turned out to be only OB-GYN so that was a no-go. We found the clinic that the lady directed us to in the first place. We talked to the administration lady who told us that there were no available appointments but we could go upstairs anyway and for all intents and purposes, beg the doctor to see me. When Magda finally got her foot in the door, she talked to the doctor and he said that he couldn't see me because I needed to go to the hospital. Cab Ride #1 to a hospital. This hospital looked very Soviet era but I figured, when in Rome... We got sent to the fourth lady behind a window of the day. She was a paperwork zombie that said we needed to go to the other side of the building. We went to the other side of the hospital where I got my first glimpse of a doctor of the day! He was nonchalantly cruising websites and not doing anything medical but he couldn't see me because I lived on the wrong side of Krakow to be treated there. Apparently, this is the one case where my residence here mattered but not in a positive way. Cab Ride #2 to another hospital. We had to cross town to the University Hospital which looked a lot nicer and cleaner. We had to wait and talk to more window monkeys. After waiting for about a half an hour, Magda got fed up and stormed into the actual treatment area. We got lucky because her rant did not fall on deaf ears. The doctor even spoke English, although with an interesting accent and vocabulary. He took us into the accounting office where Madga talked to them. They said they would see what they could do but they didn't even look at my insurance card or Polish student ID or anything. More waiting... The doctor finally popped out of the treatment/ER area and said "I don't care about the insurance. If they need us, they can look for us." So, as mentioned above, chest X-rays (topless), blood work (shirt on, thankfully) and then the EKG. Oh, the EKG. That was an experience. Instead of the American EKG with the leads being little contact stickers, here I had a rubber band strapped around my (naked) chest which these metal bars were tucked into. These little shims were then sprayed down with water and leads are attached to the wrists and ankles. My thoughts at the time: a combination of that scene in "The Green Mile" with Dell's execution and Percy screaming that he didn't know the sponge was supposed to be wet and the electroshock scene from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest." At that moment, I was sick, in pain, half naked and most definitely not in my happy place. Anyway, after getting to put my shirt back on and a bit more waiting, the doctor gave me the diagnosis. It reads like a good news, bad news joke. Good news: I don't have pneumonia. Bad news: I have bronchitis. Good news: my rib isn't broken. Bad news: The bastard didn't give me prescription painkillers for my torn intercostal which hurt so badly the night before that I couldn't move. I got a "prescription" for Apap which I think is a lot like Tylenol. Cab ride numero tres brought me home. Nap time and then surprise party! Only not the fun kind of surprise party. Party where the hosts (my flatmates) end up saying "Holy Shit! This is way more people than we expected." Obviously, I was not in a party mood but I still made an appearance. People were smoking and that did not fly with me. After I went back to my room, apparently the police were called and we got threatened with a 15oo zloty fine. On top of that little joy, three people puked. I walked out of my room at 1 AM to ash-filled plastic cups and my flatmates mopping things up. Not a happy camper. We will not be having any parties at our flat again any time soon. It all ended up alright and we will get remembered for having the first really wild party of the semester.

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